Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
How naked do you want me to be?
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