Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
Randomize
