so last night was fun and all.. but you might want to get tested
well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
Randomize
