I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
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