Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
They wouldn't serve more then two Shots per person, so you grabbed a group of strangers and said u werre buying them all shots, then proceeded to drink all of them.
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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