He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
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