I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
Edward fifth and chaser hands
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
OPIZZABONMYDICK
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
Randomize
