I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
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