There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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