he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Randomize
