there are some really hot girls on the bus. i want to lips them
Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
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