I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
please visit steve this weekend, he is getting mature and responsible and shit which scares me.
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
Got into the physics lab with my student id, hooked up over break when school was closed. I regret no payments for tuition.
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
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