Im at strip club and am horny
its good for cellulite if you don't wear underwear. its true
i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
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