Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
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