Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
Is that strawberry winking at me??
Randomize
