he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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