I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
I have a question, if it paid really well, like ridiculously well, would you be a restaraunts under the table resident blowjob girl?
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Randomize