She announced her abortion via fbk
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
No see this is how It goes: guys will fuck virgin girls. But girls don't really want to fuck virgin guys. So you're good have no fear.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
Randomize
