I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
Randomize
