If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
My boob is missing a layer of skin
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
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