I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
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