just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
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