I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Randomize
