well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
Randomize
