when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
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