I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
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