i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
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