there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
Randomize
