I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
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