I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
where are you guys?
stoned at his house watching water boil
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
