I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
Randomize
