i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
Randomize
