I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
i love all of you. Physical. Emotional. Mental. All of it. When we speak i feel like a feather or a dragon depending on the conversation ...
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
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