Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Randomize
