So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?
you are way too vulgar to be a girl
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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