Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
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