Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
I'll report later on the progress of the mountain orgy
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
my liver is dry heaving
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