A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
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