Im at strip club and am horny
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
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