I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
