She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
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