You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
dont get me wrong, i like when a guy is into my boobs but when he started saying mama i want milk let me suck, i gathered my shit together and bounced.
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
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