i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
So squirting runs in the family.
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
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