Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
Randomize
