i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
