i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
