Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
I think in growing up..I've been having a hard time masterbating to fictional characters
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
