she woke up with a sticky ear
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
We smell like vodka and hangover
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