I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
Randomize
