Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
Randomize
