I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
