I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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