Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
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