Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
I wonder if he just picks random boners to send or just the realy impressive ones
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
What the hell do you do when your fuck buddy leaves to go for a piss naked and 20 minutes later hasn't come back and can't be found anywhere in the house or outside but has left his phone, tee shirt and shoes in your bedroom.
I don't think there is a pre defined social etiquette for a lost naked fuck buddy now roaming the streets.
Randomize
