dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
Is it related to planting your seed? Cause I don't know if you have studied the development of a tiny human, but that is some complicated shit.
Isn't everything in a man's life somehow related to him planting his seed?
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
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